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It Came From the Stars and Its Disappointed

Anomaly E-5293 smoking while being interviewed

The following interview took place on █████████ following the detection of abnormal radiation patterns near █████████████. Anomaly E-5293 appears to be a human male, aged 46.


[[BEGIN LOG]]


Anomaly E-5293: Do you have a smoke?


[The entity pauses as Agent Holloway hands over a pack of cigarettes. The entity removes one, places it in his mouth, and then places the pack into his pocket.]


Agent Holloway: I was expecting that back.


Anomaly E-5293: Yeah get used to being disappointed. I did. You got a light?


Agent Holloway: You have a name?


Anomaly E-5293: Sure. Lucas.


Agent Holloway: Then I have a light.


[Agent Holloway leans forward and attempts to light the cigarette. After 14 unsuccessful attempts, the lighter functions and the cigarette is lit]


Agent Holloway: So why are you here?


[Lucas pauses for several seconds before continuing]


Lucas: It's pretty simple really. I was cruising through your universe and I sensed the suffering of this world.


Agent Holloway: That's right, the intake agent said you claimed to be an entity that absorbs emotion?


Lucas: Half right. I absorb suffering so I can fuel my travels.


Agent Holloway: And where are you going?


Lucas: You won't have heard of it.


Agent Holloway: Right. So why are you still here?


Lucas: I was running low on energy and I felt your world's suffering like a beacon. Billions of souls. All suffering. But your planet sucks Agent Holloway. It sucks big time.


Agent Holloway: Explain to me what you mean.


Lucas: So every other place I visit, there's the oppressed and the oppressors. The suffering and the inflictors of pain. But I landed in fucking Ohio. And you got the same sorta situation going on here, but everyone is just satisfied enough not to fucking end it all. Half the planet is working jobs they hate just so they can enjoy their off time.


Agent Holloway: I don't understand why this is a problem.


Lucas: Because I need the suffering to be concentrated! I can't drain enough out of any one person to get anything useful! I even moved to the Eastern Federation to see if it was better and it was just more of the same! I can't turn you guys into mindless zombies because you already did it to yourselves!


Agent Holloway: I uh, I apologize?


Lucas: You should. Worst planet ever.


Agent Holloway: So if you don't mind my asking, why did you take a human form, and why work at ██████████████?


Lucas: Because I'm still trying to collect fuel. Eventually I'll have enough to limp to another planet that doesn't make me want to destroy the universe.


Agent Holloway: If we help you collect fuel, you would leave?


Lucas: Yes?


Agent Holloway: You said you landed in Ohio, did you get any chance to visit the DMV?


Lucas: What's a DMV?


[[END LOG]]


Following this interview, we found "Lucas" employed as a Cleveland Department of Motor Vehicles clerk. The entity collected enough "fuel" to leave within a month. As it seems likely the entity will not return, and may warn off any other similar entities, this case is considered closed.


UPDATE:


On January ██████████, an individual also believed to be an Anomaly E-5293, with no official documentation, was found working in the same position as “Lucas”. This other individual, named “Ethan”, was detained and questioned. The following is a short excerpt from that interview.


[[BEGIN LOG]]


Agent Holloway: Right. So who are you?


Ethan: Uh, Ethan. Lucas sent me.


Agent Holloway: Lucas. I was under the impression that Lucas didn't enjoy his time on Earth.


Ethan: Oh no, he recommended it heartily. He said you had suffering on an untold scale and he wasn't lying. I'm still having trouble finding it, but I'm sure it won't take me long.


Agent Holloway: And what do you intend to do once you find it?

Ethan: Same thing as always. Zombies, plagues, the whole works. Honestly this really does seem great. I gotta tell ya I thought Lucas didn't like me.


Agent Holloway: Of course.


Ethan: So anyway, I better get back to it.


Agent Holloway: Of course.


[[END LOG]]


A decision was made to keep "Ethan" in containment until further investigation into its abilities could be conducted. Over the next year the anomaly began to break down physically. By March of the following year, it had completely disintegrated. The dust that made up the entity's remains was found to emit low levels of ██████████, indicating a severe anomalous nature, but was otherwise inert.


Agent Holloway received an email on March 25th from an unknown and untraceable source that said the following.


"Turns out there's a use for your world after all. Thanks. Lucas."


Source:

Dr. Jeremiah Cimmerian


Ignota IronShears


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